When You Want It RIGHT NOW!!!

There are moments in life when our adult bodies aren't so far removed from those of our childhood.  It's as if there is another layer of self just beneath the surface, like what can be seen with the eyes is just a film coating a tinier reality.  And the foot-stomping, door-slamming, yelling and screaming child wants it all RIGHT NOW!  Trying to speak of an abstract concept like patience to that self is about as successful as embarking upon an introduction to the fiscal cliff or delineating the history of strife in the Middle East.  All that it knows is RIGHT NOW, and instant gratification is demanded.

Perhaps being patient would be easier if there were guarantees.  When I was waiting for God to send my husband to me, I used to assure him that I could be ever so much more patient if He would only assure me that I would in fact get married.  Just the knowing would be comfort enough to get me through the waiting.  But waiting without any certainties is a torment, especially to the child-self.

How am I any different than the child whose questions about when it will be lunch keep driving me mad?  For him, the span of time between breakfast and lunch is an eternity.  We must sound like that to God, making a speck of time a century and fussing over something that will occur in good time.  We may grow up, but we rarely outgrow those longings, those needs, that imperative NOW NOW NOW!  The funniest thing---often when we do get "it," we don't know what to do.  We focused so much on the wanting that thoughts of application were never broached.

Would having had a guarantee that I would most definitely get married have made finding my husband any sweeter?  Would I have learned as much, grown as much, and been as grateful?  Not sure.

My outpourings of please please please and soon soon soon to God----do they sound the same as my prayers to find the person with whom I was meant to spend my life?  I am sure He listened to those with lots of sighing, knowing full well He had a plan for me, wishing I would trust more.  It's as if I can hear him saying, It will happen.  All in good time.  In my time.  At the right time.  Trust in me. 

So why does it seem so unbelievable?  Why so far-fetched?  On my wedding day, right until the point I was actually entering the church, I kept exclaiming, "I can't believe this is happening!  I can't believe this is really, actually, truly happening."  My mother said, "You MUST stop saying that!"  Why the disbelief?  What was the source of the astonishment?  That God would love me, too, among all the other people in this world?  That He actually had a plan just for me?  That something so longed for, prayed for, dreamed of could finally come true?  And if something as complex, nuanced, and unbelievably important as two people falling in love could come to pass through His grace, why not something as simple as the sale of a house?

It will sell, I tell myself.  God knows it.  Oh, for stronger patience and renewed faith.

I walk through the park in this early spring and see the live oaks full of yellow sprays of pollen and pale young green leaves screaming of life and rebirth.  They fill my soul with joy, with promise.  Then I notice wrinkled brown leaves---just wrinkled brown leaves, no sign of life---on two of the live oaks.  They are huge and magnificent and ages old, and I am immediately stricken with fear.  I ask my husband if he thinks they are dead, and he says it certainly doesn't look good when all the other trees are flagrantly displaying life and renewal.  A few days later, I return on my own for a walk of silent reflection, trying to set aside my anxiety and open my heart to spring.  And I see it!  I pull down my sunglasses, jerk them off entirely, just to be sure.  There it is---the slightest, lightest green, a sign of new life emerging from beneath the brown, the old leaves already falling away to make room for the new.  The trees are not dead.  They are being reborn, just like their neighbors, only a little later than the others.  I regretted my walk by those trees, thinking them dead, doubting their viability.  I should have looked at them and said, "All in God's time.  They may be brown now, but one day they will be green.  Just a little more time and a bit more patience.  Nothing lasts forever."

There is fruit on the tree, new life growing all around us.  We might be waiting now, but we won't always be.  Though we might feel like a little child, like NOW is all there is and all there ever will be, when we look back on our lives and all He has done for us, we just know that isn't so.  Though green today, the fruit will ripen and be ready.  That fig tree had never borne fruit for Him, but He gave it another chance.  He was patient, and He believed.

When Life Takes Over

The last six months may well have been six years.  I try to sort through all that has happened and just feel bombarded by a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that render me a helpless ball of numbed anxiety.  When the real emotion breaks through, whether joy or sorrow, it can be overpowering.

The list is a bit ridiculous, really.  Lesion on my tonsil, mononucleosis, three sinus infections, bronchitis.  Having to choose between an expensive and risky surgery or putting our dear dog to sleep.  Truly there was no choice in the matter, but watching his slow and painful recovery and then cringing every time I think he may be exhibiting former symptoms has my jaw permanently clenched, waiting for the other shoe to drop and praying that it stays firmly on.  All the last minute plans that come with a wedding organized solely by yourself and with every detailed micromanaged by, who else, you!  An amazing wedding, proof that perfection can exist for a moment, that sometimes every piece truly falls into place.

Honeymoon in Ireland, the ideal spot for quiet reflection, soul stirring views, and harrowing drives that will either bring you closer as a couple or drive you right into steaming silence.  Then all the firsts---Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's---when newlyweds try to please everyone, allow time for everyone and everything, and wind up just plain old exhausted.

My husband gets hired for a new a job for which he has a longed, a great boon in the midst of confusion.  A much prayed for job opportunity appears for me, a trial period of proving oneself (nothing causes me to tense up and melt down more than constant scrutiny), and subsequently a hiring.  Now I have a job I love---but only until June.  Not permanent.  Like so much else in my life right now.  (That can be good or bad, right?)  So after having just walked through a thousand fiery hoops to achieve this job, I am immediately searching for another one.

And then, after packing up the bulk of our possessions and storing them at my parents' and tearing the house apart cleaning, we put the condo on the market.  It has been on the market since Valentine's Day.  Every day I wonder if it will sell.  Every day I wonder how many more days, weeks, months, we have of having to get out of our home at a moment's notice, having to arrive home to dresser drawers pulled open and private corners perused, having to clench our teeth in fear that something will break, having to ceaselessly scrub and polish.  There are much worse things than this, yet the permanent state of anxiety, of wondering, of the unknown has me on constant high alert.  What if it sells?  Then we have to act quickly, find a place to live, will the bank give us a loan, will we have enough cash for the closing, which house exactly should we pick, where exactly should we live, what is right for us?  What if it doesn't sell?  Will we exist in 650 square feet for the rest of our lives, our dog relegated to my parents' house with a yard and no stairs, no place for a baby, no family on the horizon?  We humans don't handle the unknown with much grace, yet it is the essence of life.

The unforeseen financial woes that gut punch you before you can even see the arm fly.  Oh, I won't go into those.  Suffice it to say they are present---omnipresent---every single day.

So much in six months.  I remind myself that this is in fact not uncommon and also that it was not without immense joy.  Perhaps that is the hardest thing.  The intense joy mixed with the worry and the stress, so many highs and lows that you feel like an elevator out of control.  I just wonder every day upon which floor I will make my arrival.  Such a strange amalgam of emotions.  Great joy and gratitude.  Foreboding fear and worry.

I try to convince myself that this is just a season in life.  But it isn't.  It is life.  There will never be a time in life when we aren't changing, transitioning, growing, learning, hurting.  Get used to it, kid, I tell myself.  And then I open my eyes to the way this exists in others' lives: the friends who are having triplets, the sister whose husband is leaving for Afghanistan, the other sister just trying to find herself in a new city all alone, the grandmother adjusting to life without her life partner.  None of us is alone in this.

My resistance to this change, my abhorrence of the unknown, would be akin to the caterpillar rejecting a chrysalis or refusing to emerge from it.  Transformation happens every day, minutely, profoundly.  It also occurs in giant waves that knock you down.  No matter the size or shape, I think we all know whose hand is behind it.

from Getty images

Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Spirit of the living God fall fresh on me

Salmon Orzo and Zucchini Salad

I wanted to cook something light, airy, and healthy but still manage to fill us up. My husband never really ate salmon until he met me, but now he enjoys it (at least so he says).  I searched the web, compared various recipes, and this is what I came up with.

Salmon Orzo Salad

You will need:

2 salmon fillets
Olive oil
Salt and Pepper
1 lemon
1/4 cup white wine
2 cups spinach
1 green bell pepper
1/2 cup shredded carrots
1/2 cup feta cheese
torn basil (optional)

Preheat oven to 425.  Take two salmon fillets.  Generously coat them in olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper.  Squeeze half a lemon over them, then add 1/4 cup of white wine.  Roast salmon for approximately 10-12 minutes.  Remove salmon, let cool, then take fork and shred into small pieces.

While the salmon is roasting, cook 2 cups of orzo according to the direction on the package.

Chop up two cups of spinach and one green bell pepper.  Combine in a bowl.  Add half a cup of shredded carrots and half a cup of feta cheese.  Mix in the orzo and spinach.  Sprinkle with remaining half of lemon and salt and pepper.  Torn fresh basil would also make a nice addition.

Marinated Zucchini Salad

You will need:

• 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 small red onion, halved and thinly sliced
• 1/3 cup red-wine vinegar
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• Salt and pepper
• 6 medium zucchini, thinly sliced

1. In a large skillet, heat oil over medium-high. Add onion and saute until translucent, 3 minutes. Add vinegar and sugar and season with salt and pepper.
2. Transfer to a nonreactive bowl. Add zucchini and toss. Let marinate at room temperature 30 minutes.
   Recipe is from Martha Stewart.
   
   

With This Ring

Driving down the country road, I look down at my hand gripping the wheel, and it's still there.  The ring.  The diamond glints in the early morning sun.  Did I think it wouldn't be there?  Nearly seven months later, I'm still surprised to see it at times, still amazed by what encircles my finger.  I waited so long for it to be there.  As much as I can't wait to be married---and as much as I'm certain I'll be married for years and years, into the long, tired days of old age---I still hope that the sight of that ring will never be commonplace.  That I will always look at it in awe.

It isn't the diamond or the white gold.  Nor the etchwork.  Not even the 1920's style I love so much.  All I care about is the meaning it holds.  The promise it keeps.

My eyes dart back to the road, to the vast stretch of green fields beside it, themselves full of promise.  The swamp rises ahead; the cypress trees loom large.  A flock of dark winged birds press themselves between me and the sun.

What great vistas does the future hold for my love and I?  What twists and turns, what bends in the road?  I know that great promise can also be tested by great challenges.  Before the ring---before this man and his love---I might have begun to gasp right there in the middle of nowhere, just me, the fields, and the swamp, birds and gators and highway signs.  But now it is different.

God walks beside us.  In countless ways, He shows us that every day.  No matter what we face, God will be there.  His love, the love we share that came from Him.  I believe in both those things.  They are greater than I am.

I curl my fingers around the steering wheel and feel that ring, without beginning or end, press into my flesh.

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.
Revelations 22:13

Day 17: A Message from God

Sometimes I don't want to listen.  Sometimes I have a hard head.  Stubborn has gotten me through a great deal, and so I embrace it when I really should let it go.  I press forward when I should hang back. I am a flurry of motion when I should be still.  A small part of this is just the way I am, but an even larger part of it has to do with the ways of the world.  This world, all about HURRY HURRY HURRY and BEING GOOD=BEING BUSY!  ARE YOU WORKING HARD ENOUGH?  ARE YOU ACCOMPLISHING EVERYTHING?  ARE YOU GIVING ENOUGH AT WORK?  These messages infiltrate my mind and capture my spirit.  And then instead of breathing free, I am jaw clenched, bent over the steering wheel, pushing through the day, tossing in the night.  I listen to what others tell me to do, what others expect from me.  I fulfill those requirements, those expectations.  Meanwhile God is there, calling to me, trying to show me the way---not forcefully or sarcastically like my co-workers or boss or bank account.  His way is peaceful, loving, gentle.  When that doesn't work---when those other voices are louder than His---He finds another way of reaching me.  A way that is far bigger.

This has to do with why there isn't a Day 15 or Day 16 in this series.  Trust me, there is a good reason.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with an abscess on my throat.  An ear infection.  And mononucleosis.

That's right.  25 days before my wedding.  In the midst of my paid by the hour, no sick leave, no health insurance job.  With the hour long commute there and then hour long commute back that I fight each day.  I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!!  I AM TOO BUSY!!!  I NEED TO WORK!!!

And that's exactly why it happened.

I needed to be still.  I needed to rest.  My mind and body were overcome with chaos and pain.  Something had to be done about it.

I must admit I find it ironic that I was diagnosed with mono, a prefix that means "one" or "single" in Latin, as I've committed to writing a 31 day series about the journey from being single to saying "I do."  Going from one life to two.  From single to married.

Mark 10:8
And the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.

Here I am, in the last few days before marriage, suffering from an illness that essentially necessitates the cessation of certain kinds of affection.  "The Kissing Disease."  Well, at least there's the honeymoon.  

From my facebook post today:

I guess sometimes we become ill so that we can be reminded to thank God for the little things we take for granted. Like the ability to swallow and to eat solid food. And the energy to take a shower. Small but crucial things like that. 

I am also reminded of how immeasurably blessed I am to have my darling in my life.  Always by my side, always asking if I need anything.  "In sickness and in health, right?" he said with a smile.  Kissing me goodbye, I start to turn away from him, fearful of his becoming ill as well, but he turns me back toward him and says, "What's yours is mine."

From monologue to dialogue.  From monochromatic to a rainbow.  From a monogram to a diagram. . .wait, that doesn't work.  I could go all day long with this.  I'm a word nerd.

Monogamy.  Best one yet.

Matthew 19: 3-6
“Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Today I slept, read, and prayed.  I let myself be still.  I retreated from the busy and hurry and rush of the world, the harsh voices and critics.  I found peace in Him and gave Him the time to heal the broken parts in my spirit and my body so I can be ready to make a covenant before Him, begin our family together with His blessing, in just a few more weeks.

Day 14: When You Need Encouragement. . .

Sometimes it helps to hear other peoples' stories.  It makes you feel less alone, and it gives insight into not just their experiences but YOURS as well.  Reading about another person's struggle can help you approach yours differently.  And if all they do is provide you with some comfort and hope, well, that's a WHOLE lot of something!

Here are a few posts that helped me when I was single.  I think that what they say about God's perfect timing is SO TRUE!

From Kelly Stamps:

http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2011/08/all-single-ladies.html

http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2008/02/someday-my-prince-will-come.html

http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2006/10/three-years-of-wedded-bliss.html

From her friend Laurie:

http://lseo.blogspot.com/2009/07/singleness.html

http://lseo.blogspot.com/2009/07/singleness-part-2.html

http://lseo.blogspot.com/2010/12/single-at-christmas.html

From Candice Watters:

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001048.cfm

Day 13: Process vs. Outcome

Marriage.  For so many of us, it's our ultimate goal.  Some people do date for fun.  But, at least in my experience, there comes a time when most people approach dating with the desire to get married.  With an end goal in sight.

It's good to have goals.  And it's good to know what you want from life.  Recognizing that you would like to be married is an important step.  It helps you have direction and focus.  But when the outcome (marriage) becomes more important than the process (getting to know your potential spouse), there's a problem.  In fact, sometimes people, believing they have found the one, become so caught up in the outcome that they put on blinders to the here and now and ultimately overlook signs that would point to this person NOT being the best life partner for them.

Can you imagine how utterly terrifying it is to sit down to dinner with someone who is clearly DESPERATE to get married?  Who is so caught up in accomplishing a far off goal that they can hardly get through dinner?

When you get engaged, you become caught up in the process of planning a wedding and dreaming of the future.  This is great fun and a natural part of the experience.  Yet sometimes I had to remind myself to enjoy where I am RIGHT NOW.  To enjoy being with the man beside me RIGHT NOW, not just in the dreamy idea of our future together.  Being engaged, the start of a new life together and the deepening of God given love, is such a precious time and should not be rushed, skipped, or ignored.  It's time to delve even deeper into your partner's thoughts and emotions, tell each other more stories, share more laughter and sweet kisses.  The process is where our ultimate joy lies.  The rest is just abstract and out of our control.

For some great insight into finding happiness in life by concentrating on the process, not the outcome, take a look at this TED talk: