Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Cans, Dreams, Plans

I stare at the photo in my last post---a post that occurred so long ago, over half a year---and I am flooded with an awe that cannot be contained.  Amazed.  It's a word I use frequently now.  Yes, over half a year since I posted.  And the contents of that half year could well fill another person's whole year, possibly years.

Just three days after that post, all my cans and dreams and long made plans collided.  I wasn't expecting it.  Isn't that everyone always says?  To be honest, I felt like something was about to change, a prickling on the surface of my skin, a small intake of breath at what I might find.  But after so many years of disappointment piled on top of false hopes, I didn't trust it.  Not a feeling.  Not anymore.  Fortunately, I trusted God.  And that turned out to be enough.

How could I have expected what would ultimately happen?  It was so beyond anything I could envision.  It was bigger than my own thoughts, more vast than my own brain could process.  I was incapable of imagining such a thing.  For so long, I had not allowed myself to believe in a life of endless possibilities.  Such a notion was a thing for children or for people who had never found rough spot along their roads.  Not for a single girl about to turn 30 in post-Katrina New Orleans.  Not for a single girl---clearly really a woman now---whose last real relationship had ended almost four years before, who spent her time raising other peoples' children, who was all work to do-bills to pay, entirely comfortable with a glass of wine, a good book, pajamas and lights out by 10:30 on a Friday night.

Then what did I still believe in if not a life where everything was possible?  God.  That was certain.  What had happened as this girl grew into a woman with all the work, bills, responsibilities, and ups and downs that came with such a transformation?  I slowly, almost imperceptibly, grew closer to God than I  had ever been before.  Did I believe that in God all things were possible?  Absolutely.  Maybe.  With an, "I sure hope so," but a little bit of wincing doubt in the background of it all.  I so wanted to believe it.  And ultimately, that was enough for Him.  He recognized the fear that held me back as part of my humanity, looked beyond it, and awoke in me an awareness of where my walk with Him had taken me.

And where was that exactly?

Just three days after my short post, consisting merely of a photograph about embracing cans, allowing the dreams and plans to follow, my life was forever changed.  I opened myself up to the love of my life.  And in November I'm going to marry him.