Throughout this retreat, Father has emphasized that God surprises us. He doesn't comply with our human plans, and He doesn't stay inside the box. I think of the ways He has done this in my life. He saw gifts in me to which I was blind. I thought my tired old faith was stagnant and in danger, but He found me and renewed me, giving me an entirely new faith, wholly different from the old one, stronger and deeper. I never thought I would go on a silent religious retreat, and when I agreed to it, I shocked myself and was very nervous. It was as if He were agreeing to it for me! I found myself on that retreat, and I found Him. The awakening within me was like learning to breathe again.
I think that, besides the obvious practical ones, there are good reasons why I am not yet married. I always thought I'd be married by now. But surprise---I'm not. God has his special plans for me. I trust Him, and I know that for sure. I think that if I had gotten married, I would never have had a spiritual journey of this magnitude and in this way. I know myself, and I probably would have been content and lacking in motivation, not realizing what I was missing, and getting too much of my self worth and happiness from my husband and children.
Instead, I had to rely on myself, and that left me looking to God. When you have faced hardship and anxiety all alone, you turn to God, and if you're lucky, you know Him in a whole new way. In exploring and deepening my relationship with God, I have learned so much about Him and about myself. I wasn't whole before. There are definitely days when I'm still not, but I'm closer than before.
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