Sometimes I don't want to listen. Sometimes I have a hard head. Stubborn has gotten me through a great deal, and so I embrace it when I really should let it go. I press forward when I should hang back. I am a flurry of motion when I should be still. A small part of this is just the way I am, but an even larger part of it has to do with the ways of the world. This world, all about HURRY HURRY HURRY and BEING GOOD=BEING BUSY! ARE YOU WORKING HARD ENOUGH? ARE YOU ACCOMPLISHING EVERYTHING? ARE YOU GIVING ENOUGH AT WORK? These messages infiltrate my mind and capture my spirit. And then instead of breathing free, I am jaw clenched, bent over the steering wheel, pushing through the day, tossing in the night. I listen to what others tell me to do, what others expect from me. I fulfill those requirements, those expectations. Meanwhile God is there, calling to me, trying to show me the way---not forcefully or sarcastically like my co-workers or boss or bank account. His way is peaceful, loving, gentle. When that doesn't work---when those other voices are louder than His---He finds another way of reaching me. A way that is far bigger.
This has to do with why there isn't a Day 15 or Day 16 in this series. Trust me, there is a good reason.
Yesterday I was diagnosed with an abscess on my throat. An ear infection. And mononucleosis.
That's right. 25 days before my wedding. In the midst of my paid by the hour, no sick leave, no health insurance job. With the hour long commute there and then hour long commute back that I fight each day. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!! I AM TOO BUSY!!! I NEED TO WORK!!!
And that's exactly why it happened.
I needed to be still. I needed to rest. My mind and body were overcome with chaos and pain. Something had to be done about it.
I must admit I find it ironic that I was diagnosed with mono, a prefix that means "one" or "single" in Latin, as I've committed to writing a 31 day series about the journey from being single to saying "I do." Going from one life to two. From single to married.
And the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
Here I am, in the last few days before marriage, suffering from an illness that essentially necessitates the cessation of certain kinds of affection. "The Kissing Disease." Well, at least there's the honeymoon.
From my facebook post today:
I guess sometimes we become ill so that we can be reminded to thank God for the little things we take for granted. Like the ability to swallow and to eat solid food. And the energy to take a shower. Small but crucial things like that.
I am also reminded of how immeasurably blessed I am to have my darling in my life. Always by my side, always asking if I need anything. "In sickness and in health, right?" he said with a smile. Kissing me goodbye, I start to turn away from him, fearful of his becoming ill as well, but he turns me back toward him and says, "What's yours is mine."
From monologue to dialogue. From monochromatic to a rainbow. From a monogram to a diagram. . .wait, that doesn't work. I could go all day long with this. I'm a word nerd.
Monogamy. Best one yet.
Matthew 19: 3-6
“Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Today I slept, read, and prayed. I let myself be still. I retreated from the busy and hurry and rush of the world, the harsh voices and critics. I found peace in Him and gave Him the time to heal the broken parts in my spirit and my body so I can be ready to make a covenant before Him, begin our family together with His blessing, in just a few more weeks.